"euphemistic refusal" is a tacit social rule for adults.
Tai Zaizhi said in disqualification:
"my misfortune is that I lack the ability to refuse.
I am afraid that once I refuse others, it will leave an insurmountable rift in each other's hearts. "
the word "refusal" comes out with a sense of indifference and indifference.
people who reject each other directly will also be labeled as "low EQ" and "not good at talking".
over time, "euphemistic refusal" has become a tacit social rule for adults.
but the older you get, the more you feel that learning to refuse directly and not to delay each other is a person's best EQ.
refuse directly what you don't want to do
received a message from a reader in the background.
if her best friend wants to buy a house in a new real estate near her home, she asks her in advance if she can lend herself 100000 yuan. After making an appointment, she can pay on the day of the building deadline.
in fact, her current situation is not well-off. After taking out 100000 yuan, she has little balance left in her account.
but because of her friends, she thought about it over and over again, but still failed to say the word "no" directly.
on the day of real estate payment, her best friend asked her for the 100000 yuan. She really didn't want to borrow it, so she had to tell the truth to the other party.
her best friend was very angry and said to her:
"I can understand that you won't lend it to me, but you should have said it a long time ago.
if you had turned me down directly at that time, I still had time to borrow money from others. Now I have to pay the money. Where do you want me to ask for the 100000 yuan? "
ignoring oneself for the sake of friends, it is a childish promise between children and the choice of heroes in martial arts movies.
for adults in real life, the best way to do what they don't want or can't do is to refuse directly.
writer Liu Tong once shared a story about her friend on Weibo.
my friend Xiao Ying posted a moments message one day:
"We are all adults. You don't have to lie to me and say anything else. I'm not angry with your refusal. I'm just angry that you're wasting my time."
this passage makes Liu Tong feel the same way.
it is not only Liu Tong, but also us.
I don't want to do what others ask for, but I'm embarrassed to refuse it directly, so I have to say yes first.
however, the more things drag on, the more trouble there will be, which not only wastes time, but also wrongs oneself.
what if I had just said no?
this may embarrass the other person for a while, but those who understand you will understand your difficulties and will not alienate you.
those who want to embarrass you even though they are in trouble are not worth compromising for him at all.
in the final analysis, "direct rejection" is not only a litmus test of a relationship, but also the best choice for adults in socializing-neither wasting each other's time nor putting themselves through entanglement.
directly refuse to treat people you don't love
there is a question on the Internet: "which is more hurtful to directly refuse or procrastinate not to answer in the face of showing love?"
the following person replied:
"procrastination is the most thorough refusal, which seems to leave a trace of warmth, but it actually hurts the most, because the other person has been consuming your affection."
everyone should thank the person who directly rejects himself, which seems ruthless, but for you, it is kind.
famous sociologists Fei Xiaotong and Yang Jiang are classmates.
when Yang Jiang was single, there were many pursuers. Fei Xiaotong joked:
"Yang Jikang (Yang Jiang) and I are old friends. If you want to chase her, you must first pass me."
later, Yang Jiang met Qian Zhongshu. She told Fei Xiaotong about her boyfriend. Fei Xiaotong was suffocated and wanted to find Qian Zhongshu.
when Yang Jiang learned this, she said to him very seriously:
"friend, yes. But friends are the end, not the transition.
but if you have loved someone, you will never forget it.
after Qian Zhongshu died, Fei Xiaotong came to see Yang Jiang. When she came down the stairs, Yang Jiang said to Fei Xiaotong:
"it's hard to walk on the stairs, so don't go up the stairs again."
A pun shattered Fei Xiaotong's affection.
in our lives, how many people do not love and do not say clearly, ambiguous, in the end wasted time, but also consumed each other, resulting in a tragic ending.
I remember what Le Jia said to his daughter:
"some girls regard it as an honor for boys to be jealous of her. You must not do that.
this will not only hurt others, but also bring disaster to you. "
Love and dislove should be made clear from the very beginning, giving each other enough reason and space to let go of this relationship and find new happiness.
this is not only a kind of kindness, but also a kind of true treasure.
the best kindness is not to disturb others.
there is a saying:
"in the adult world, there should be no one to delay, no one to consume, no one to waste."
I think so.
in a variety show "me and my Agent," actress Qiao Xin felt that the job offered to her by the company was not in line with the direction she wanted, so she plucked up her courage and proposed termination to her boss, Yang Tianzhen.
Yang Tianzhen said to her after listening:
"I have always felt that actresses' time is very precious and can not be wasted.
our current model really has no way to satisfy you. It is a good thing for you to find another company that is more suitable for you after you terminate the contract. "
this remark sounds cold, but it is very real.
whether it is relationship or work, if it is not suitable, it is the best choice to get together and break up.
I heard an old man tell a story.
when he was young, he once fell in love with a woman, but because of coincidence, the two men did not achieve the right result after going around in circles.
and his present wife, though not what he loved, agreed to go out with him because she was old enough to get married.
in order to marry him, his wife gave up the opportunity to go abroad for further study, stayed with him in her hometown and became a primary school teacher.
but he never really loved her. As he watched her give birth to children and worked hard for the family, he felt more and more guilty and prepared for several "divorces". In the end, he didn't say anything.
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A few years ago, his wife died of illness, and all he felt when he woke up was endless guilt:
when his wife married him, she never felt complete and sincere love in her life, nor was she well loved by her husband.
what he gave to his wife was nothing but toil and indifference day after day.
repeated "softening" actually delayed her happiness all her life.
this is the biggest regret of his life.
if he had rejected his wife directly at that time, her life would have been completely different-she would have gone abroad for further study, would have found a man who loved her, would have been loved all her life, cared for all her life, and would have grown old together.
it is a pity that the delay is the delay, and there is no way to regret the things in life.
Stefanie Sun sings in "the fingerprints of Angels"
"he is sincere,
won't keep you waiting.
you lost the dusk,
but in exchange for calm late at night.
A person who does not delay others will be a measured and cherished friend even if he cannot be husband and wife.
there is a sentence on the Internet, which I think is quite right:
"when everyone is an adult, the adult world should be clear, simple and respectful."
in a relationship, just say it if you don't like it, don't delay other people's happiness; in life, if you can't help, just say it, and don't delay other people's affairs.
simply direct, it is an excellent quality that a person should have.
not to delay others, is a person's greatest kindness; not to be delayed by others, is a person's smartest choice.
, be a person who knows how to refuse directly for the rest of his life, without delaying others or wronging himself.
this book is published under authorization.